literature

Chapter one (Draft)

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Literature Text

All I can remember, was that my brother and I were running for our lives. For we were being chased by savage soldiers. Dust blew into
our eyes as we penetrated aimlessly through the streets, looking for shelter. They had killed my parents in front of our very eyes, I have
never heard of such a monstrous act , nor will it be a scene I will never recover from. The streets seemed to be dead with life, what was once a lively place was now made up of mere ruins.
A stranger to the land would have never been able to guess that this was or used to be the town souk. The soldiers shouted something ,but it was in native tongue. I took a glace at Ali, his feet were dripping blood and he
looked as if he would lose conscientiousness any minute. "Keep running!" he shouted. We turned a corner and found ourselves in an old
alley. Even though it was midday and the sun was beating brutally, the alley seemed dark. On both sides there was nothing ,but debris
shattered doors, broken windows and fallen walls. The walls were blackened by a near explosion. I could hear the pounding of the
soldiers boots drawing closer. Even though I've been hearing them for a while, they seemed to be petrifying now because I knew what
we were heading for. A dead end. I was frozen with fear and as I looked at Ali, he seemed to be in the same state. We were both
afraid to accept what was coming, we were both in complete denial. Even as the soldiers made their way towards us, we somehow found
the courage to hold each others hand. They came closer, one of them spat out what sounded like a horrible word. They hadn't covered
their faces ,which to me was inhuman. Being killed is the worst way to leave ones life, seeing the person who took your life away is even
worse. A person should leave having seen the face of a loving person ,not a murderer. Describing their faces would bring a painful memory, therefore I shan't.
We took a few steps back, now my back was touching the wall behind me. "We will always be together" Ali said, at that moment I realized that he had given up, all hope was lost.
A couple of tears raced down my cheeks, I nodded unwillingly. They came closer, one placed the gun on Ali's forehead forcibly, Ali didn't shudder nor did he shake, he had accepted death.
He pushed me back a little, something seemed to peirce my back. The solider began speaking to Ali, I don't know what he said, but Ali understood. I turned around to see what was giving me
discomfort.
A doorknob!
I could swear it wasn't there before. Ali was talking in a high deep voice, but I didn't understand, nor did they. "Open it" he whispered. How did he know? I wasn't going to ask questions so I turned the handle.
"You cowards have fled to our land, killed the weak and took our women. You enslaved our children and brought shame upon the great. You are rats! You take what was known and make it yours. Your death
shall be as bitter and as lifeless as you all!". I have never heard Ali say such words, nor have I seen his eyes go so sharp. "Run!" Ali cried out to me. I opened the door and went inside. I heard a gun shot and
instinctively shut the door tight. I fell on the ground full force. Ali was dead. He was dead! I stared out into nothing, I was numb with shock. I curled down on the floor not knowing what to do. Should I weep?
Should I scream? They took everything away, they took Ali! He was everything I had left, he was my world, all the plans and hopes I made were built upon him. He was my guardian, my hero, my all. I finally
began to cry, I cried for what seemed like forever. My head ached so much, it managed to make me forget what happened. I stood up hoping it would soothe the pain, I went over to the door, then I realized something.
Why hadn't they followed me? I went to open the door and to my sheer terror, there was nothing. A bleak black pool of nothing. I was paralyzed with fear, what was this? Still in shock I took a few steps back not realizing
where my feet were taking me. My ankle twisted and before I could react in anyway , I felt myself falling.
I have started writing this story not long ago.
This is the first chapter.
The title to the book is still unknown.

I hope you like it.

Comment below.
© 2013 - 2024 iWriteAshya
Comments6
LadyAnder's avatar
In response to your post on the lit forums.

This is good because you start the story into action which gets the readers attention but it still need works.

I've a suggestion to make this a little less confusing, the enter key.
There is a general rule if character starts with dialogue press enter, start a new paragraph. If you wan examples of this, open any novel up and see how dialogue is treated. Without that, this is very difficult to read.

Second issue is word choice.
A good example is this.

"Dust blew into our eyes as we penetrated aimlessly through the streets, looking for shelter."
It's the word "penetrated" not the best word choice for this instance. Pick another another word because that stands out not in a good way.

Another example

"Even though I've been hearing them for a while, they seemed to be petrifying now because I knew what
we were heading for."


"Petrifying" isn't the best word choice here. It can also be a verb that means to become a fossil. It would be less confusing to choose another word because the way it's written, it seems like your soldiers are fossilizing. I mean it would be good for them if they were turning into stone but that isn't what's happening here.

The other reason why word choice is bothering is that the narration and dialogue feels unnatural like a badly scripted fantasy game. Basically it feels like you used big words to make it sound better. Don't do that. The word choice in a story depends on setting, characters, age group of the readers, and overall what is best for the story. If the narrator is young, I'm not to sure why they would stay things like "monstrous." Then again that entire sentence feels off.

If they killed the protagonist's parents, why is the protagonist telling the readers like its just facts. They seem robotic. Below when their brother dies, they are crippled with their death. If it death around them effects them, show it. Also that same sentence needs to be moved because you go from getting into describing the surroundings to this piece of information to describing the surroundings again. Don't but a break like that up. You would be better off focusing on what the protagonist sees around them.

Also what would make this better if you could give us more about the characters A little bit more about their surroundings. A little bit more about them being chased. Just more details. Even thought they are being chased, you can offer up a more information. I find it very hard to care much about the protagonist and her dead brother. There is that chunk of emotional rant at the end. Maybe not so much telling how they feel but show how they feel. It would be so much more effective. Also don't wait for then for them to spill how much they care out. You can show it before that so it doesn't feel like a rush of information.

As I said this is good but it does need work.
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